Mixed Berries

So what can I say? No, really - what about this lovely procedure am I allowed to say on the website and Facebook? I'm now officially 24 hours removed from the very stressful and somewhat painful process of getting a vasectomy. Overall the procedure itself was tolerable, however I received a number of comments from others who have had it done about how simple it was and not to worry. Ok, I'll just be honest to anyone who considers this route - it hurts. I mean there is a clear reason guys spend their entire lives being protective of this area. Society even has numerous names (i.e. twig & berries, Slim Jim & the boys, etc...) - and why? Because they are easily injured. So, given a lifetime of protectiveness, there's a bit of apprehension involved with needles and scissors going at you down there. Now, given that doctors are famous for using buzz words like saying you might feel some "pressure" - which as we all know is code for tremendous pain, when one of these people actually say that this will sting and hurt for just a brief period of time, shouldn't that be a giant alarm bell? Needless to say, a needle being injected into your scrotum feels about like it sounds. However, I got through that without too much whining. The tugging and pulling wasn't a pleasant addition, but 15 to 20 minutes later we were done. That being said, there are two major oversights in their "warnings". First the shaving. I'm sorry, but I would have sworn this guy went to town with a rusted dry single razor blade, lubricated with sand. There is no reasonable way you can be done shaving that area in 15 seconds and do it in a "gentle" manner - physically impossible. The only warning I got was "this will be cold" before he poured ice cold alcohol on me - then the razor came out and before I could say "Ok, I'll talk!!!" - his mini-torture was over. I guess that's so the actual procedure doesn't seem as bad. Now, in case you had any notion that the procedure itself hurt, they planned ahead to take your mind off of that - by using some sort of 3M Duct-tape to hold "Big Jim" (penis if you can't read code) up and out of the way. Personally I'll just pretend it's just me they had to hold out of the way, only because it eases the pain... Anyway, this seems like a simple thing, until it's time to remove the tape. Really I see no easy way to explain this part, but I would have elected to have two more needles in the scrotum before having the tape yanked off. I'm not sure what my reaction looked like to Tiffany (who was in there for it) and that's probably because tears immediately came to my eyes and blurred everything - or maybe that was pain. I mean, holy crap, how about string, post-it note adhesive, an "assistant" to hold it (I'll pay for it), I mean something! Anything has got to be better! Oh, and in case you consider undergoing this pleasure yourself, a tip from me to you, get your prescription filled ahead of time. I get home, don't have Tylenol there or Vicodin prescription filled. Let's just say that 30 minutes later the local wears off and your body is pissed! So sitting there with no pain medication immediately after the local is gone, man that's just a horrible, horrible idea. Now on the plus side, once the Vicodin got home and I popped the maximum amount of those bad boys, that's entertainment. Unless of course you are one of the few people I spoke to on the phone while I was under the influence - I'm sure I sounded like an idiot, but a pain-free idiot. Today is much better aside from the occasional shot of pain that arches through your body like a lightening bolt - just to remind you of your stupidity. I'm sure in time it'll all be a memory and will be happy as a clam, but for now, pass the peas and no you won't want to eat them after I'm done...